Struggles with Depression

It's Monday and Wayne's gone to Montreal for the week. The skiff of snow we got last week is gone and it's above zero. Sam is more mobile everyday and yesterday I even caught her standing in her crib on her own! I've been having a hard time coping lately but everyday seems to be different - the ups and downs of post partum depression is very challenging. I cannot wait for this hormone imbalance to pass. It's nice to know I'm not alone when I think of people like Brooke Shields (although I haven't experienced it NEAR the severity as she did). Kudos to her for being as brave as to go at it a second time around. She's due in the spring. I've always been back and forth on having a second one and almost convinced Wayne too, but neither of us are happy about possibly going through this again. Good thing Sam's a really good baby because things could be much worse. This positive thinking comes from a good day I'm having today. Yesterday I wouldn't have been as realistic. I'm full of rage and anger, then the next day I'm completely 'normal'. I never know when it hits, I just have to take it day by day. I don't cope with change well at the best of times....add the crazy hormones and you've got a really bad mix for mental anguish. I value my sanity and struggle to manage it properly. I love my precious daughter dearly and strive to be the best mother I can be, but the guilt sets in when I'm spiralling and cannot crack a smile back at her or comfort her genuinely when she's suffering. I feel numb at times and think to myself 'what kind of mother is THAT!' I want to give my husband credit for 'puting up with' this and for his patience, as I don't think I could be as tolerant as he if we traded places. He works so hard and then comes home to all of this. This is supposed to be the best time of our lives and she's growing up so fast I want to enjoy it while I can. I know this is not forever. I just have to pray about it and have faith it will get better. Perhaps I should buy a the book "Down Came the Rain" written by Brooke Sheilds. Courtney Cox also went through it but not right away. When Coco was 6 months old it hit her. Mine hit me at the beginning but now I'm feeling more of it. It's different with everyone. I just have to try and keep focused and be more receptive to help around me.
Thanks for a good day....

Love Heidi